What is up with the cat?

As you may know, Casey and I travel a lot.  Sometimes for pleasure, perhaps a family trip or weekend getaway, but most often, traveling tends to be for work.  Something interesting happened upon my return from California last week.  Apparently, our cat finds his accomodations, while we are gone, less than stellar.  You see, I found a set of instructions on the table and he demands we provide them to his next caretaker.  So, if you happen to be the one we choose to take care of this high maintenance animal, please make sure you obey his request.  I am not sure what consequence he would impart.  It reads...

Ah, hello, sexy people.  Hello from Hemingway.  I am, how do you say, de sexy.  Welcome to my sexy kitty cat lair.  I see that my human has left me in your care.  Fool.  Probably went to visit blonde lady, who I hear is working for a mouse.  Who would work for a mouse?  I spit on mice, I eat them.  Ptooie.  Anyway, back to my sexiness. 

I will require nutritional substance twice a day.  ½ cup of dry sexy kitty cat food, and one spoon of canned food from my sexy monkey spoon.  De monkey, he is sexy too.  I also must have fresh cold water twice a day to maintain my sexy coat.

I am happy to say I am content to be with you and not at de spa.  Last time I went there, it was not de spa.  Stupid humans.  Ah, what can I say.  They clean my, how do you say, my poopy stinks.  Speaking of poopy stinks, please clean mine once per day.  Brown bags are available for you to put my poppy stinks in.  If you do not clean it once a day, I will punish you.  Not with lack of sexiness, but I will be forced to play with my poopy stinks and you will be cleaning poopy stinks all around de sexy kitty lair.  Haha.

I sleep, on de bed.  On my blue blanket.  I like to stretch out and fill the night air with my sexiness.  Please carry me around the apartment and pet me so I may spread my sexiness to all the rooms.

My human is a generous man.  Stupid, but generous.  You may use anything in this sexy kitty lair.  (Check expirations dates, my human, he does not clean the fridge).  We may share in spirits, food, and sexy company.  Clean towels are in the skinny closet.  Skinny and trim like myself.  Open the windows if you would like so I can spread my sexiness around the world.  A clean towel and wash cloth are available for you on the towel rack by de toilet.  Clean my bowl after every meal and remember, throw my poopy stinks in the garbage can outside, not de kitchen garbage.  Remember I am de sexy.  I look forward to your company, sexy people.  Now, give me a sexy kitty massage.  Oh yes, and I dig de plants all over the carpet (cue evil laughter).

De Sexy,

Hemingway